My war with the pigeons started several months ago.  I was soaking in the tub, but I had left the window open. It was a nice sunny evening, and I was enjoying the neighborhood sounds as I relaxed. The window, when opened, creates a hole sized about one square foot in the bathroom wall, facing our neighbor’s house. The neighbors have no windows on the east side of their house, so this is safe enough – especially as the window is considerably higher than the tub. In other words, one can soak quite happily without fear of creating a neighborhood peep show. Especially if one uses copious amounts of bubbles and keeps the shower curtain drawn.  I feel the need to explain this quite thoroughly, lest some of you take to driving by my house. You wont see anything. Not that I bathe with the window open any more. No. The pigeons put an end to that.

There was I, soaking blissfully, when some great flappery interrupted my musings. A pigeon actually tried to fly into the window. Naturally, I sprung to action and successfully deterred said sky rat. None the less, I felt the sky rats had robbed me of one of my simplest pleasures. Sigh. I do not wish to offer them entrance to our home.

Since that day, I have regarded the pigeons with resentment. Those heathen sky rats have not been satisfied to rob me of open-window baths. They’ve taking to roosting under the eaves of the neighbor’s house, as well as sitting outside by bedroom window. They rob me of sleep as they coo and chatter in their pigeony way.

One Sunday morning, perhaps three weeks ago now, I awoke to the sound of their vocalization. Still groggy, I was infuriated that they had woken me before 6:00. Without truly considering the repercussions, I began to look for something – anything, really – to throw at the sky rats. My still-sleepy eyes locked onto a rubber band, and my mind was made up.  Slowly, almost painfully slow, I raised my blinds. The brazen birds did not scatter! I proceeded to lean out the window, as far as I could, and then I took aim.  I must interject that I possibly have the worst aim of all time. I didn’t truly expect to hit a sky rat; I simply hoped to frighten and scatter them in a satisfying fashion. But I did. I hit a sky rat. I nailed him with my rubber band. The whole pack (alright, there were three or four) took flight. They didn’t, however, fly the coop for long.

Instead, they have returned in greater numbers.

Pigeons, I once assumed, are a lazy, loafy type of bird. These seditious sky rats use their harmless appearance to infiltrate our society, and then they wait for an opportunity to do their worst. Even Disney has proliferated this pigeon propaganda, encouraging children to offer their few tuppence to support the sky rats!

Once welcomed into our parks and neighborhoods, the sky rats begin to bomb aggressively. They are not happy to drop the occasional load; they carpet bomb.  My car, and, more recently, our folding camp chairs and patio, have been the unhappy recipients.  This was an inconvenience and an annoyance. But the pigeons didn’t stop there. They waged a heavy assault on something near and dear to my heart – my Toy Story 3 Action Heroes wading pool!

Friday, I spent an hour draining and scrubbing my pool with bleach wipes until the smell of chorine was deeply ingrained in the surface. Granted, this shall create a more authentic pool experience, but I can’t honestly say that I’m thrilled about it.  Those pigeons stole something from me – something sacred.  I’m not taking this sitting down.

Today, I shall take my first strike against the pigeons.  Sky rats apparently hate the smell of strong spices. I’ll be mixing a disgusting mixture of garlic, cayenne, and everything else in my spice cupboard, and then venturing out onto the roof to distribute the mixture. With any luck, this will provide temporary relief. Should the sky rats return, I’m fully prepared to take more drastic measures.  A family friend has graciously offered the use of his airsoft gun; I fully intend to borrow it and take whatever means necessary to defend my family and our pool.

I’ll let you know how it goes…