My family sucks at picking movies.  If we were in a life or death situation with no way to save ourselves – with exception to choosing a quality film from the OnDemand menu – we would suffer a slow and painful death. We order pizza, pour drinks, and order the world’s worst films; it has become a weekly ritual. With a selection much smaller than that of a traditional Blockbuster set up at our disposal, we wade through unfamiliar titles and allow ourselves to be conned by the enticing plot descriptions.  Tonight, we (to be fair, it was my mother and I) cast our votes for The Good Guy based on the fact Alexis Bledel (Rory Gilmore, herself) was in the leading female role.  Here’s the trailer:

Within the first ten minutes, it made perfect sense that Alexis Bledel has been relatively unemployed since Gilmore Girls came to an end. Bledel doesn’t have the acting chops to make an audience forget awkward, shy Rory Gilmore; she is far from convincing as a Manhattan career type.  The plot picks up as Rory (er, um, I don’t even remember her character’s name) is getting serious with her far-too-pretty Wall Street hotshot boyfriend.  Wall Street appears to be the only classy guy at his office of misogynistic salesmen. He also works with Uber-Nerd, whose only personality trait is “niceness.”  Uber-Nerd is the butt of ever office joke; he also wears his blackberry affixed to his belt.  Wall Street coaches Uber-Nerd, hoping he’ll develop some skill with the ladies. Thankfully, Wall Street doesn’t change Uber-Nerd, and it soon becomes clear that Uber-Nerd and Rory are perfect for one another. Only Rory can’t see this because she’s so very enamored with Wall Street.  Rory and Uber-Nerd develop a friendship, and he attends her ladies bookclub, at which they discuss classic literature. Meanwhile, Wall Street and Co. are convinced that Uber-Nerd must be dark and twisty inside – or gay – because there is no way humanly possible that anyone can be that nice.  In actuality, they simply cannot see beyond their own depravity.  Wall Street, we find, has numerous girlfriends; at his lowest point he even hires a hooker when none of them answer his calls.  As Wall Street greets his hooker, Rory meets Kristal (Kristen? Kristy?), his infamous, crazy ex-girlfriend. In a not at all surprising twist, Rory learns that Kristal is actually his current girlfriend. Gasp. This drives her directly into the arms of Uber-Nerd.  The film ends as Uber-Nerd and Rory contemplate a future together and Wall Street uses the pick-up line he offered Rory to hook-up with another unsuspecting, doe-eyed idiot. The End (thank goodness).

The film is littered with some of the worst attempts at foreshadowing I’ve come across since reading Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight (within the first chapter Bella reassures herself that she can attend Forks High because it’s not like anyone wants to bite her).   The book club discussions become a forum for Uber-Nerd to drop one liners towards Rory, such as, “He loved her more than his life. That’s what love is. Everything else is just a distraction. **deep, probing gaze.**”  They read A Good Solider by Ford Madox Ford, and discuss the main character – a former solider, just like Uber-Nerd – and his decision to shatter his perfect facade by making a play for his friend’s girl; at this point Rory informs us that she got halfway through reading the book and realized that she was far too trusting of the narrator and that she believes his story to be utter bull.  Did I mention the fact that Wall Street narrates the film?  (insert facepalm here)

I was even more frustrated by the way that everything in the film was over-done. Wall Street’s friends weren’t just edgy playboys, they punctuated every exclamation with profanity and acted like sexist pigs.  Uber-Nerd wasn’t just a nice, quiet guy – he was a caricature of niceness with few quirks. And his favorite book is Pride and Prejudice. Wall Street wasn’t just a philanderer, he was the Tiger Woods of the financial sector.  The film was completely lacking subtlety and nuance.

Simply put, The Good Guy was absolutely terrible.